When we look back at our childhoods, most of us can see things that in hindsight seem glaringly obvious now that we’re adults, but as kids we couldn’t conceptualize. Some of my first memories are of being deeply uncomfortable with wearing clothing made for girls, so I always wore boy’s uniforms to school and insisted on being called by a boy’s name as early as second grade. I was drawn to activities that boys did, that unfortunately many little girls are left out of, such as fishing, skateboarding, baseball, and street hockey. I was bullied by other girls in school for having short hair and dressing like a boy, and I often felt ashamed about who I was. The message from adults and kids alike was that I was strange for not conforming to traditionally feminine roles.
I realized that I liked girls when I was in middle school when I developed a crush on one of my friends. I had never known a queer person at all, growing up in the south, and luckily my friend’s feelings for me were mutual. I was excited about my sexuality because I thought that it explained the constant gender dysphoria I had.
In high school, one of my friends asked me if I was transgender, which was a term I’d never heard before. She explained what it meant, and about how some trans men can get surgeries to help with gender dysphoria. I was really scared that she might be right, and I told her not to tell anyone. She started helping me save up for top surgery, money that we ultimately ended up spending on cigarettes instead.
I quickly put our conversation behind me and was in denial about my gender identity for years. I fell into many self-destructive habits, such as addiction and self-harm, and had a few suicide attempts as well. I had seen shows like the L-Word, where a transmale character is displayed as dejected and depressed, and had seen Boys Don’t Cry, where the transmale character is constantly harassed. All I knew about being transgender was that it made existing dangerous.
Finally, I moved from the south to one of America’s most liberal cities where being transgender isn’t just accepted, but is pretty much celebrated. I was still in denial, but my dysphoria about my body was becoming unbearable and I didn’t know why. One night, I stumbled across a documentary about a trans guy’s experience with coming out and transitioning, and it was suddenly crystal clear that I needed to accept that this was who I was. I ran to tell my girlfriend about my realization, and she couldn’t have been less surprised. I then came out to friends and family and asked that they use male pronouns. A few days later I started hormone replacement therapy. Six months later I had top surgery.
I write this article not only because it’s pride month, but because tomorrow I’ll have been on testosterone for two years. So much of my gender dysphoria has dissipated over the past couple of years, especially since I now pass as male one hundred percent of the time. I never could have imagined as a kid that I’d be able to come as close to being male as is possible, and I’ve never regretted my decision to transition. I’ve faced some discrimination and harassment along the way, and using the men’s bathroom is still pretty terrifying, but I have become a much more confident person and am incredibly grateful that I was able to start on this path to self-actualization.
